My latest short story - for your enjoyment (maybe).

I wrote this one over the weekend and believe it turned out decently well. Recently I've really been thinking about how easy it is for a person to be forgotten after he dies, and I've been restling with the loss of good times in the past. This eight page story deals with some of those issues, but primarily it's a dystopian sci-fi action piece.

I've zipped it in a *.doc (OpenOffice, AbiWord, Microsoft Word will all open it just fine). It really only takes about 10-15 minutes to read, so I hope you'll give it a spin. Just extract with 7-Zip or WinXP's extractor.

EDIT: It's now also available in .RTF format for WordPad.

Feedback appreciated but not required, of course.

"Sacrifice" is my intellectual property and cannot be reproduced in any medium without my express consent. I reserve all my rights.

argh, i tried to download it but I only have microsoft works, not word so it wouldn't open for me:(

You *could* download OpenOffice.org, but I'll put up a TXT tomorrow. =)

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Originally Posted by Genesis Knight

I wrote this one over the weekend and believe it turned out decently well. Recently I've really been thinking about how easy it is for a person to be forgotten after he dies, and I've been restling with the loss of good times in the past. This eight page story deals with some of those issues, but primarily it's a dystopian sci-fi action piece.

I've zipped it in a *.doc (OpenOffice, AbiWord, Microsoft Word will all open it just fine). It really only takes about 10-15 minutes to read, so I hope you'll give it a spin. Just extract with 7-Zip or WinXP's extractor.

Feedback appreciated but not required, of course.

"Sacrifice" is my intellectual property and cannot be reproduced in any medium without my express consent. I reserve all my rights.

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I HATE Sci-Fi.










Yet, that was enjoyable. You have some great setences in there, alot of good writing. Keep it up.

Thanks a lot. (Roger, it's up in WordPad format for you.)

cool thanks, i'll check it out when I get some free time later tonight, and I'll let you know what I think :p

Needs a little fine tuning, but it's pretty good as it is.

Anything in particular you suggest?

A little more character development mainly.

it's a good story overall, kind of a revenge of the dragon meets clockwork orange, with enough realism and social and political background and obervations to elevate the story from being just sci-fi (which granted can turn off a whole slew of people. I think including these real world issues makes the story much more accessible).

I think, by the end of the story we know who the main character is, and his dilemma in life, I enjoyed his self induced quips, but at first I was unsure on who he was and what his motives were, but I think by the end that is more understandable. Character development might need some quickie adjusting, but overall I enjoyed it. good work mate!

Hey, it sounds like you got out of it exactly what I'd hoped it would convey, Roger. I'm very, very glad. I'll probably give it another go and maybe shape him up again.

The glimmer of hope at the end really made that whole thing! There's an actual depression created in the reader, even though they know it's just a story. You start to feel "why should we exactly care for this man", but then we soon figure it all out. He's pretty much the last human with a heart, and even when he died he most likely gave that to the girl, who will go on to help others because she now knows the world still has some promise, despite all that's going on.

The idea of money becoming as useless as the rest of the world puts things in perspective as well.

One thing that maybe could have been done was tell a bit more of the story of the kidnapper a bit more. You jump in his head for a paragraph or two and then we're back in the main story. If there was some sort of double perspective,like maybe the kidnapper, while not a druggie himself, still saw the world in a different perspective, but not from the rich men's either.

Altogether, when can we see your first book?!

Yeah, when I was putting in the asterisk transitions for the kidnapper's little scene, I thought to myself that the transition would be jolting. I need to either beef that part up or change it back to Casket's viewpoint.

BTW, does anyone know of a good online mag that I could possibly submit this to after it's been fixed? Any ideas?

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If there was some sort of double perspective,like maybe the kidnapper, while not a druggie himself, still saw the world in a different perspective, but not from the rich men's either.

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I like this concept a lot.

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Altogether, when can we see your first book?!

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LOL, I finished one 100% and was about to let you guys loose on it when I saw in retrospect how crappy and overwrought it is/was. (450 pages, illogical plot, etc.)

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Originally Posted by Genesis Knight

LOL, I finished one 100% and was about to let you guys loose on it when I saw in retrospect how crappy and overwrought it is/was. (450 pages, illogical plot, etc.)

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Elaborate?

I was sure I'd mentioned that project in the past. It was my first novel, "Seraphim", a mecha sci-fi epic, and although I rewrote it five times and got it basically 100% complete a few months ago I just feel like it isn't worthy of sending around due to the reasons above - it's too long and it has a lot of illogical stretches in the plot.