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Here is a thread for jokes. I will post a joke every day, until I decide that I don't want to anymore. You too may post a joke but please limit your posting to one joke a day.
Ok first joke is for Edge:
Wakka wakka wakka! :opa:Quote:
Originally Posted by Joke-a-Day Random Joke Generator
LMAO. That one was good. Here's one:
Q: Why can't ghosts have babies?
A: Because they have Holloweenies!
Q: What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
A: See you next month.
Q: What did the breasts say to the belly button?
A: After 50 years of being neighbors, now we meet at last!
A priest, a rabbi and a horse walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them and says "What is this, a joke?"
Damn! I was gonna post this one sometime in the future, one of my favorites. You are obviously a man of very fine taste, Mr. Venture. :monocle:Quote:
Originally Posted by Rusty Venture
An old man and an old woman are sitting on a bench. The old man looks at her and says, "I bet ya I can guess how old I am." The old woman looks over at him and says, "Oh yeah? Unzip your fly." The old man gives her a funny look, but he unzips his fly. She reaches into his open pants and starts feeling around for a minute. Finally she takes her hand out of his pants and says, "You're 85." The old man says, "That's amazing! How'd you know?" The old woman says, "You told me yesterday."
I grabbed a shovel and started digging a hole in my yard today.
My neighbor came over and said "What are you digging the hole for?"
I said "My goldfish died."
He looked at me and said "Jesus, that's a pretty big hole for a goldfish isn't it?"
I said "It's inside your fucking cat."
Ah, KD, always mining the dark veins in the service of his craft! Good show!
A guy goes to the hospital to get his tonsils out. No big deal, until he wakes up after the operation to discover he apparently lost control of his bodily functions and had diarrhea all over the sheets. He panics and collects all the bedding and throws it out the window, trying to dispose of the evidence.
Several stories below, a bum walking by the hospital gets hit with the sheets. He begins flailing wildly and screaming, which alerts a couple of EMTs on break nearby. They run over to the bum, who has freed himself from the sheets and is now staring at them blankly.
One of the EMTs yells out 'You okay buddy?' to which the bum replies 'I dunno... I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost'.
"Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability."
:)
I posted this before, but I gotta post it again.
So there is this woman, her first husband beat her and her 2nd ran out on her. She decides to place a singles ad looking for a guy. "I want a guy who won't beat me, won't run out on me, and who is good in bed".
A week later the doorbell rings and there is a guy in a wheelchair with no arms and legs.
"Whats this?" she says
The guy says "wait, wait..hear me out. I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run out on you."
She looks at him and says "Well, how do I know your good in bed?"
The guy says "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Hey great thread!!! (No joke!)
AWESOMEQuote:
Originally Posted by Rusty Venture
AWESOMEQuote:
Originally Posted by jerry coeurl
*silently nodding, adjusting monocle, sipping Merlot*
Hey so did you hear about the ship wreck in the ocean? A boat full of red paint collided with a ship full of blue paint. When they crashed, all of the passengers got... MAROONED!!! :rofl:
I was walking down a road out in the country last week and I came upon 2 blonde women with work clothes on. They were moving slowly up the road 10 feet at a time, The woman in front with a shovel in hand would dig a hole, and the other following her would fill it back in with her hands and pat it down.
Confused, I watched them repeat this process for a few minutes before approaching them.
I said "Excuse me, what in the hell are you both doing? You're digging a hole and she's following you filling it in. Why?"
The Blonde with the shovel said "It's more efficient. One person digs the hole, the next person drops the tree sapling, and the person in the back fills in the dirt. Gets the job done quicker."
I said "But, there's only two of you."
The second blonde nodded and said "Sally called off sick today."
Two guys were sitting on a park bench when an old dog stops in front of them and starts to lick it's balls. One guy says to the other, "Don't you wish you could do that?"
"Yea," the other guy replies, "but I'm afraid he would bite me."
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
''I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a full day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds''
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 pounds !
''Why, that's amazing !'' the doctor said, ''Did you follow my instructions? ''
The Irishman nodded…''I' ll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.''
''From hunger, you mean?''
''No, from the bloody skippin'', the Irishman said
Q: What do you get if you drop a piano on an army officer?
A: A flat major
---
Q: What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat miner
---
Q: What are 1000 tubas at the ground of the ocean?
A: A good start
You know, the thread is JOKE-A-DAY!!! There's too many jokes... people need to stop posting for the next week to make up for it!! :p :D
There's my joke of the day. ;)
Whatever.
What do you get when you cross a donkey with a spambot?
TheEdge
Ahahaaaa, love this one!Quote:
Originally Posted by old man
In keeping in line with Rusty & Smii's jokes...
Wakka wakka wakka! :t:Quote:
Originally Posted by Joke-a-Day Random Joke Generator
This one's a little outdated.
George Bush, his bodyguard, a boy scout and the boy scout's dad are in a plane. The plane's engine fails and starts to nosedive, George Bush takes a parachute and says, "I'm the president, I deserve to live," and jumps out.
His bodyguard takes a parachute and says, "It's my duty to protect him, I deserve to live," and jumps out.
The boy scout's dad says, "Well son, there's only one parachute left and you deserve to live," to which the scout responds, "No dad, there are two left. George Bush took my backpack."
This is indeed True and Funny :ok:Quote:
Originally Posted by Honey the Cat
If I have learned anything from Clint Eastwood, it's that you should never laugh at a Mule's expense.
Also: never walk on his lawn.
EMO kids should be thrown off bridges.......
Ba-doom-ching!
waka waka waka!!
Serious though...they suck. I hope your not stealing that make up from your mommas cabinet EMO kids....EMO KIDSSSS!!!!
How did the mathematician handle his concipation? He worked it out with a pencil.
A Priest, a Rabi, and a minister, were all on a cruise ship out in the sea.
The cruise ship cuts a sharp turn and ends up slamming into an iceburg.
Everyone starts to panic and the Minister says
Minister -"The women and children, we have to get the women and children off the boat first."
Rabi - "Just get the women first, fuck the kids!!"
Priest - "Do we have enough time?"
What's brown and sticky?
...
A stick.
Two hats are sitting on a hat rack. One says to the other, "That's alright, you stay here. I'll go on a head."
Bill Gates was fucking some woman... after a little, the woman says out loud "now I know why its Micro... Soft"
Some good jokes, folks! Give yourselves a hand!
Wakka wakka wakka! :rofl:Quote:
Originally Posted by Joke-a-Day Random Joke Generator
http://www.linternaute.com/televisio...v/3-fozzie.jpg
Thank you Fozzie...Quote:
Originally Posted by Fozzie Bear
What's sad about 4 black people in a Cadilliac going over a cliff?
They were my friends.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a deep sea bass?
...
One is a bottom-sucking scum feeder, and the other is a fish.
Good show! Along those lines...
Wakka wakka wakka! :fail:Quote:
Originally Posted by Joke-a-Day Random Joke Generator
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedi...-Prydonian.jpg
"You sir, are the only joke around here!"
I've always wondered (because I've never seen it): is Dr. Who actually good? Or does it just fall into the category of "extremely enjoyable camp" that a lot of sci-fi ends up finding itself in?
That guy looks....very familiar.......wasnt he in a "Dont Litter" commercial in the 70's?Quote:
Originally Posted by Knuckle Duster